The quick and dirty
Content warnings: Sexual assault and boundary violation, detailed descriptions of consensual sex acts, mention of genitals, talking about bodily fluids (sexual and otherwise), bad BDSM/kink, menstruation.
Archetype: The Boundary pusher
General feel: Folks who heard about this exchange were floored at how unapologetically rapey he was being near the end. The consensus was that I dodged a major bullet with this one. It’s worth noting that this is the first time I’ve released the whole conversation, so there is a lot of graphic sexting that happened that nobody has read (ie. you’ll maybe learn more about me than you ever wanted to know), so if that makes you uncomfortable, please proceed with caution. The really troubling/creepy part starts on the 21st screenshot (the second set starts there), where I tell him I just got my period. This is also the part I’ve released before and gave people the heebie jeebies.
We met on Tinder and realized that an ongoing friends with benefits situation might work for us. We switched to text so that we could coordinate a hookup. The whole text exchange is shown below. (Yes, he did introduce himself by sending a picture of his dick. Classy, I know.)
The incredible amount of verbal foreplay. (Includes brief discussion of kink and a lot of graphic descriptions of sex acts, bodily fluids, etc., just FYI.)
The beginning of the really troubling part is below.
The bullshit detector
This guy was absolutely a boundary pusher. He knew that I didn’t have a non-consent fantasy or anything like that, because I explicitly told him that earlier in the conversation. When I said no, he just kept pushing, and that’s the kind of behaviour you see with rapists. There are at least two notable times he did this:
- When I told him my partner might be home and not want to participate/see what we were up to, so he should let us get into the bedroom before we start anything, he tried a couple of different techniques to weasel past this boundary.
- When I told him we should reschedule, he became unapologetically aggressive. He went so far as to say that I “had to” follow through because I got him excited.
This guy’s behaviour is pushing boundaries to see how far he can get. That’s what rapists do. It’s a seemingly harmless thing, because he does it in more subtle ways: he doesn’t say, “I’m ignoring your boundary,” but rather says, “C’mon ;)” as though I’m a party pooper if I say no. These are the kinds of things to look out for with this archetype.
“C’mon” is my least favourite word, for the record. It hides all manner of sinister intentions behind a seemingly harmless exterior.
This guy was a bona fide creeper. The consensus was that I dodged the bullet because I happened to get my period, which is terrifying. If you’ve had experiences like this with an Awful Man™ or even people close to you that you know and trust, please do what you need to in order to practice self-care. Folks who use these tactics are expert manipulators and use their victims’ empathy and kindness to get what they want. It’s not your fault if someone has pressured you into doing things you didn’t want to do. I encourage you to check out the resources below if you need support working through your own experiences. I may also be available to chat (though I’m not a professional), so emails are welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The “I believe you” blog
Survivors of sexual violence share their diverse stories on a platform of validation and respect. Particularly recommended if you’re having trouble figuring out whether or not you’ve been the victim of sexual violence.
Ending Violence Association of Canada
Index of victim support services, listed by province.
(In the US) RAINN
List of organizations that offer support for victims and their loved ones, organized by type of abuse.